The Examined Life

(This is another article I wrote to my younger self.)

I would tell you it’s easy to flounder in depression and anxiety, especially when it feels like that’s all you’ve ever known. The sensations of anxiety and depression are who and what you think you are. You must worry; it is required. Intrusive thoughts are welcome to the extent that they are accepted without question or curiosity. It is simply the way life feels, it’s just the way you feel. It is normal for you.

Anxiety and depression are “normal” for sensitive, intelligent souls like you. It’s hard to be well-adjusted in a poorly adjusted society. You know well that something’s not right in your experience, something is “off”. Be curious. Be diligent. Be grateful. As you practice “self-study,” (known in yoga as Swadyaya), you will untangle your confusion. You will discover your wisdom and courage in the process.

“The unexamined life is not worth living,” Socrates supposedly said at his trial for heresy and corrupting youth. Yes, I’m trying to corrupt the youth of my own former self. And yes, I am a heretic, as impious as humans come. For his crimes, Socrates was put to death. For my “misconduct”, I killed off much of the confusion that made me (and you) suffer. I stumbled my way out of misery by examining my own turbulence. That’s all we ever sought to do, you and me. I remember how you used to contemplate suicide and wonder if it was possible to kill off that part of you that suffered. Yes. It is. And I thank you again and always.

I would tell you that it feels very scary to look within, to look at all the stuff you’ve worked so hard to avoid. But when you do, you will heal it. It is fear. Fear became my guidepost. Fear was no longer an excuse to avoid an activity, it was a reason to do it. The practice of facing fear is addictive, as you take little liberating steps. Each step is a practice in courage. Each step promotes autonomy, self-mastery, and self-realization. Each step hastens liberation from your own accidental, unconscious confinement. Examining yourself and how you are functioning in this world is a powerful and courageous act of consciousness.

Where do you start, you may ask? You start with this moment. This moment is the perfect opportunity because life only happens now. Open your heart, emotions, mind and even your body to this moment. Aspire to be open, and if you aren’t, ask yourself what closes? If you can’t open to the moment or situation, ask yourself why you can’t open? Why are you so stuck on the story that has hijacked your experience, to your own detriment? Why do you cling to it? What would happen if you put down the story for one moment, maybe for just one deep breath in and out, knowing you can pick it up again whenever you wish?

If you are suffering now, stop what you are doing and figure out what is the nugget of confusion which causes you to suffer. Writing it out (or, as I like to quip, “Righting it out) is helpful. Handwriting or typing the words is a great way to by-pass all the usual chatter around the situation. Sincerely ask yourself, “What is causing me to suffer?” You may discover that it is not always the situation that makes you suffer, but your resistance to it. Once you discover that, it is easier because you have a specific course of action: release the resistance. And if you can’t, ask yourself why?

I would tell you about one occasion, when I was constricted by misery due to a custom-made crisis of my own making. I knew I had to get to the heart of the situation, I knew I needed to journal this thing out of me. Knowing it, I still dreaded it. I was petrified to see what was holding me prisoner to the story, to the pain. I took two shots of liquor and even smoked some pot and sat down with a pad of paper and went to writing. Eight pages later, I was clear. I learned the core fear that was holding me hostage, and once known, it was easily released. In this case, my fear had convinced me that I was not enough. As if that is possible!

I know you well, younger me, and you will think this is weird, but I would tell you to pray. It always makes me laugh when I tell you that in these writings. But with all seriousness, I beseech you: pray to the Supreme Being of your own experience. It is you--your own courageous, wise, kind, and liberated spirit, who inspires you to have a more satisfying life. That entity has been with you from the get-go, It knows how and why you are confused. It understands your confusion and wants to clarify it. It knows your potential for goodness and has gifted you with dreams and inspiration for your life. It wants to work in partnership with you to have the best life experience possible. Ask that entity for guidance and courage. It wants only the best for you and wants you to want the best for yourself.

When I avoid my inspirations and desires, I become deeply disgruntled because I am ignoring that wisdom. To make matters worse, I’ll distract myself with dissatisfying activities, wasting precious moments, and then insulting myself for my poor choices. I will call myself lazy, but it’s not lazy, it’s fearful. I would tell you this is your issue too. Eventually, I sat down to write every day because the option of avoiding it made me miserable. Fear made me miserable. Eventually I faced my fear and I faced myself. I came to relate to the beautiful quote by Anais Nin, “The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I would tell you that people regularly remark on how “disciplined” I am. I have come to know myself well through self-examination, and I know that when I ignore my life’s desires, large and small, I suffer. I am (and you will be) “avoidance averse.” I am averse to avoiding opportunities that promote goodness in my life, even the messy ones of studying my suffering. Since life only happens in moment-sized chunks, I commit to being disciplined for just one moment, always with an option to opt-out in the next one. In yoga, discipline is called Tapas--which also means "heat." Life heats up with discipline, in the best possible way.

Yes, discipline is a necessary tool to overcoming fear. But the fun and powerful part comes from enthusiasm (from Greek "entheos"–inspired or possessed by a God). You are possessed by a God, and that God is you—as referenced above. Your highest self wants you to step up to your life and live it fully, with meaning, passion, inspiration, and satisfaction. That is your birthright and your privilege, as a conscious human. But to be a conscious human, you must see all the obstacles that make you unconscious, reactive, and constricted. And all the obstacles are fear.

The most impressive part of the discipline-enthusiasm double whammy is this: As you respond to your highest self’s inspiration through a practice of discipline and enthusiasm, you “show up” to your life. And you find your highest self shows up too. Wisdom is there, supporting your efforts. When I sit down to write, I often have no idea what I’m going to say. But Wisdom takes over. Time melts away and something akin to magic happens. By communicating to my highest self that I’m ready to live the life of my dreams, I discover I already am—just by showing up. I validate Wisdom, and She supports me fully.

So I would tell you: I know it’s hard—about as impossible as anything ever was—but don’t be afraid to look at your darkness and your dreams. It’s scary because you are afraid to look. You are living a bad dream. Studying the dream will wake you up. Sunlight sanitizes.

Everyone wants to live healthier, happier, more productive lives. Everyone wants to create and play. Everyone wants to feel free and take risks and achieve dreams. There is only one thing that stops you: an ominous dark cloud of fear-based confusion, which includes insecurity, anxiety, inadequacy, and an infinite quantity of negative self-perceptions. None of that is true. You must study this horrible affliction to clarify and understand. “Human sickness is so severe that few can bear to look at it. But those who do will become well,” Vernon Howard wisely said.

I would tell you, if you are trapped in dysfunctional behaviors—behaviors that don’t support your happy, healthy, productive, whole and holy life—then investigate. If you are avoidant of adaptive behaviors—behaviors that Wisdom tells you would enhance your life—then investigate that too. For your sake, look! Take an active, curious interest in what you are doing and why. Avoidance feeds inertia.

The longer you avoid your inspiration, the more dissatisfied you will be. That deep dissatisfaction is a gift and an invitation to look within. What you will discover is not as bad as you fear. In fact, it isn’t even real, just a bunch of random, jumbled illusions based on false/outdated assumptions.

Misery is a guide and a challenge and an opportunity. Face yourself.

I would tell you to examine your life. It is worth living.